nipperkin

So much of my week this week depends on other people having things for me to do. Look at it now, not even through Monday and I can't find anyone. Here's what I've done so far today.

*Distributed tri-fold phone list to everyone in the office
*Updated the receptionists' reference books (all but printed the pages)
*Cut and pasted fabric swatches on tech scheches for the SMU team
*Filed some stuff for SMU
*Put away a TON of mail in the mailroom (it's the beginning of the month - time for junk mail!)

If it wasn't lunchtime, I'm sure I'd have something to do by now. SMU is done with me for the day, and PR/Promotions aren't answering their phones so I have to wait until they get back to have them start me on another project. I have a feeling that by Friday I'll be extra bored. Here's hoping Debbie doesn't start breathing down my neck. Maybe I can sneak out early or something.

I guess I could update the phone card spreadsheet, but that would require going all the way up to the mailroom. Maybe I'll do it at 2 when I know Nan isn't going to be in there. She always tells me she doesn't need my help because I'll be making it so she has nothing to do for the rest of the afternoon, and then she tells everyone else how she has to run around like a chicken with her head cut off and I won't help her. Doesn't bother me if she makes extra work for herself. It's her own fault. (Earlier today she mentioned something to the effect of "work never goes home with me" and I wished that she'd decide to quit... of course then they'd make me do mailroom until they found someone else - unless *I* was the someone else. Ack!)

I emailed Mike's cousin Steve to wish him and his wife a happy first anniversary. He wrote back, and let me know how things were going in Minnesota. He didn't have any more info on Mike except that he's dropped off the face of the earth (which I doubt his creditors'd agree with) and he's living in St. Louis. I already knew all that. (Does it sound like I'm hunting around for gossip about Mike? I'm not... I was just trying to make conversation since I don't know Steve all that well... and even though I don't love or even really like Mike anymore, it's still interesting to hear what he's doing. Mostly because he's shooting himself in the foot and it's amusing.)

More people should update in the daytime when I have all this extra time to read my friends' page.

When I get home, I'm going to see what's on OPB! Yay!

Haley, where are you?

I emailed Mike two days ago, wishing him a happy birthday. He didn't write back. It's really too bad that after two years of being in a relationship, he refuses to talk to me. We didn't even have a bad break. It's ridiculous. I really don't care all that much, even though it might seem like I do. But I was lying in bed with someone last night who said "Meggie, you deserve everything you want." And I want him... not Mike, the one I was lying in bed with last night. :)

Yesterday when I came home, Wendy was just leaving. Here is the ensuing conversation.
Wendy: "Are you going to be home tonight?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Probably."
Wendy: "We should talk."
I HATE IT when she does that. It means she has something bitchy to lecture me about, I know it. She is not my mother or my queen or anything else... and it makes me that much more excited about getting out of here. I don't like having to stand up for myself. I'd rather just LIVE by myself.

Last night I watched Sabrina with Kay and Jacque and Charity. I was kind of worried that Mike would want to come home and not be able to because I was there. I don't know whether he tried, but he never tried to sneak into his room while we were right outside the door watching the movie. I have come to the conclusion that he is being rather childish in not talking to me. Jacque was laughing about it, saying "He has always needed his 'space.' 'I need to go to Oregon with Lance because I need my space. I need to quit college because I need my space. I need to move to Minnesota because I need my space.'" That's really sad, if you think about it. I guess it's yet another thing to put on my "Bad Mike Things" list.

I'm tired of talking about Mike.

Yesterday Kay and Jacque and Charity and I went to Wayzata and walked around for a few hours. Then I had to drop Kay off at Simonson's to get her nails done. Charity fell asleep in the car, so I took her home and put her in her bed and told Paul to watch her. Then after Kay was done, the three of us went back out, this time to a really nice antique store in Rogers that I have to take Mom to if she ever visits us. Then we went back to their house, got Charity, and went to Big Bowl for dinner. Then we had to drop Jacque off at the movie theater. Then I took the other two home and then came home myself. It was a long day, and it was VERY HOT. Tomorrow, they want to walk around downtown or somewhere. I wanted to have people to do stuff with... I shouldn't complain.

Sally is coming next week! I am going to hog her. We're not really that close, but at least she's someone who likes going out and meeting people. I figure I'll let her do all the dirty work, and then I'll take the friends she finds for us and keep them once she goes back home. Sounds like a good plan, I think. I have several days off next week, and it'll work out perfectly. Maybe I'll meet guys. That would be nice.

I was thinking last night about how I think I'm over him, but even thinking about him falling in love with some other girl, who isn't nearly as perfect as I am, and totally changing his attitude. I guess I should be happy if he is happy, because that's what love is supposed to be, and I AM happy, I just would rather he was happy with me. Then I tell myself that I am so much better off without him dragging me down (because that's what he was doing) and I shouldn't care anymore. I was just kind of attached to him, that's all. Like when a friend dies. Or something.

I think I'll go buy some capris so I can walk around outside without dying tomorrow. Shorts are a no-no, with my skin as white as it is. I can get away with capris. Ridgedale Mall and Old Navy (and maybe a Petco along the way because I want a dove), here I come!

Well, here I am, day 4 of being single... the days are going by really slowly. Mike's mom has called me twice in the past two days asking me if I want to do anything. The first time she left a message and by the time I called her back to tell her I was at work, she couldn't go to the science museum anyway. And I guess she and Paul are going downtown today or something. But I might be watching movies with a coworker of mine. So I turned her down. I don't think I want to see them right now.

In other post-breakup news, I emailed Mike today. We wrote back and forth a couple of times. He's not ready to talk yet. I don't think I really am either. I don't want to undermine our getting-over-the-relationship efforts. I think we did the right thing, no matter how hard it is and no matter how much I want him back. Me wanting him back is unreasonable anyway, because I have the list of "bad Mike stuff" to prove how much better off I am without him.

So here I am, home again. Nothing happened while I was gone.

The first thing I had to do was babysit Charity. Mike had mentioned that we might have to do it, and then when I talked to his mom, she said that I'd have to do it by myself because "Jacque would really want Mike to be there." I don't know what the big deal is. It's just a graduation. I was never that into it. So I've been here for over three hours, sacrificing my time while they stand around after graduation talking to each other and stuff. No money for me. Hardly ever is.

I fixed the battery in my car.

You know how sometimes you come out of a movie with an odd, almost magical feeling? (I really get into movies so I always get them, but I don't know if anybody else does...) Sometimes I wish feelings like that would last longer than the walk out to the car. When I got back to Minneapolis, I vowed that I would keep the independent feeling I had when I was on the west coast. I've been doing OK, but it still annoyed me when Mike said he wanted to go to Applebee's (for the zillionth time in a row) because some guy got his black belt. I wasn't as annoyed as I might have been before, but I still felt it. Speaking of that sort of thing, we haven't kissed yet. It's been a full day and we've seen each other a good amount of time, but we haven't kissed. Or held hands. I wonder how long it's going to last. I wonder if I should make the first move. Probably not because I don't think he'd want it. Not yet anyway. Starting slow is good.

John and Kay have been gone for 3.5 hours now. I would enjoy going home or finding my lonely way to a bar or something. But I have to sit here, an hour after I put Charity to bed, watching stupid nighttime TV and waiting to get in my car and drive to my house just as everybody else gets home from work... I wonder if I can get Mike to go with me somewhere... I doubt it.

I bought a new wallet at Mervy's. (Yes, Mervy's.)

I went to Home Depot with Grandma and got screens for
two downstairs windows. (No more craneflies in my room
at night, yay!

I drove with Grandma by the house in Redwood City that
my other Grandma lived in before she moved up to
Oregon many years ago. I remember the house pretty
well, but declined to ask the new residents if I could go
inside because I knew it'd be different and therefore mess
up my memories.

I tried to call Mike but he didn't answer. I emailed him last
night and he didn't answer that either. He did call me
earlier today so me calling him was a return phone call.
So he's not TOTALLY ignoring me...

I had pork chops and applesauce for dinner.

I drove around and saw lots of things I remembered from
past visits, many years ago.

I like California. Everything is so different here than in
Minnesota. It'll probably be that way in Oregon too. I
think I mentioned that in one of my earlier entries. So I
won't do it again. But it's still so pretty here! It's so
WEIRD to see palm trees and orange trees with fruit all
over them, and lemon trees, and loquat trees, and stuff...
so weird. So weird.

Called him twice during work... first time he sounded fine,
second time he was ticked off that I was disturbing him.

Watched about five minutes of A Wedding Story... can't
really watch it anymore. Part of it is that I'm tired of it, and
part of it is that it's annoying. But the bride said
something about how she had been in a 7-year
relationship with someone before the groom, and she
didn't have a good experience, and when she started
dating the groom she had no idea that there could be
only happiness in a relationship. She thought there
would always be a problem or something, but in this case
there wasn't. I don't know whether that means she just
doesn't know him well enough to create problems, or if
I'm not in a good relationship. I WANT this to be a
happy relationship. I don't want to have to start over, it
scares me. Especially since I'm halfway across the world
from my family.

I'm going to see a counselor tomorrow night. I don't
know if it'll help anything, and I tend to be really cynical
and negative about "therapists" but I figured I'd go out
on a limb and try it. Maybe it'll be good for me. At least
I'll have someone here giving me good advice and letting
me talk about things. Only thing is I don't want to have
to pay an exorbitant amount to have a sympathetic ear.

Time to put this project on hold... I don't have internet
access and I don't want to keep running to the library to
do this...

Whenever I come across someone's livejournal
randomly, and they talk about losing a boyfriend or
girlfriend, I always think of how pitiful they sound. I
don't know why. I know it's not very nice. But now it's
happened to me. Hope nobody else thinks I sound
pitiful.

Mike and I broke up last night. I could probably add that
it's a trial, that it's more like we're taking a break, but in
order for my heart not to break if we decide never to get
back together, I'm trying to think of it as an actual
breakup. I must now decide what to do about living here.
I will probably go back to Oregon, but I can't live with
either set of parents, and I don't have the money to go to
school unless I try for a revolving account or whatever
they call it. I have a bit of time to think about it. Several
months ago, my mother told me more than once that
when it didn't work out, she would help me get back
home and would let me live with her until I found a job,
and I could go to the college in Bend. I can't handle her
saying "I told you so!" So nobody knows right now
except for Mike's mom, and my sister, and Kelly (a.k.a.
Dandelion) found out because I had to call her and tell
her I couldn't be her roommate if she moved over here.

I've got too much running through my head right now to
really say anything. Besides, the library isn't exactly a
private place where I can burst into tears or anything.
My plan is to keep everything as business-like as
possible, to not let any emotion into it, until it's
absolutely necessary.

Well, the storm came and went. It wasn't as impressive
as the October storm, but it was pretty good
nonetheless. I like how some thunder is deep like a
drum, and some are loud claps. I also like how the
storms here combine the two. I think it was mostly just
deep thunder in Oregon. And the lightning flickers
here, and REALLY brightly. It was right on top of us for
awhile. Mike and I watched Rogers and Hammerstein's
Cinderella (sort of) while the storm was... storming. But
he fell asleep as Cinderella was on her way to the ball.
Before he fell asleep, he told me "you can leave my
clothes in the dryer, but please don't leave any in the
washer." like I was responsible for his laundry. He
didn't even wake up when I got up off the bed to leave.
He just moved into the center of the bed. Haha. He won
tickets from the radio to see like four bands tomorrow,
none of which he really knows or likes, and he gets to
meet them, so he was trying to listen to all their CD's
(which is really like one each) so he wouldn't feel stupid
when he met them. But did he get through all the CDs
tonight? Of course not. He also had LOTS of laundry to
do. Did he do it all? Of course not. 1 and a half CDs, 1
and a half loads of laundry. They're gonna be wrinkly in
the morning...