It's annoying that the copy machine isn't working. I have a lot of projects on hold because I can't make copies. The technician called while I was at the post office and was apparently kind of rude on the phone, like he didn't want to come out and fix the machine. It's your job, Mr. Technician. Sorry.

It's funny that I can be out in the middle of the office and still feel like I'm all by myself. The back room has three desks in it and two people chatting. There are two offices on the other side of the building that have people chatting in them. And here I am all alone. :) It's not that bad, but sometimes it kind of makes me sad that I have such a hard time even chatting with people I don't know very well. These people are people I know pretty well, but not well enough for anyone to feel like coming here to talk to me. And yes, I've put forth effort too. I guess I have a stand-offish exterior or something. I've had this problem for ages and ages, and I'm pretty sure it's why I have no friends in Corvallis. Even if other people are willing (which they don't appear to be, really), I find reasons why I don't like them (usually it has something to do with intelligence). I think the last good friend I made is rini, and the rest of my friends are either old friends from school or Cory's old friends. Oh well. It's not like I'd love to hang out with people all the time anyway. I like my quiet little life right now.

Last night I dreamed that I was in a musical, and I couldn't remember any of the words because we'd shelved it for so long and had just started production work again. I kept thinking "dang, I hope I don't have a solo, or any lines..." During the rehearsals, a tape was made for a radio station to air, and everybody else started recording it without me, and I was bummed once I got there and they were almost done.

My interpretation: I'm worried about going back to school, because I forget how to be a student. And I'm worried that I'll have to take classes over again just because I'm afraid I won't remember any of it.





Now I'm starting to get worried that this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know if the major is right, or if it'd even matter for me to get a degree when I just want to stay home with my kids. Worry worry worry.

Tonight we watched Identity. Pretty good flick. The girl next to me noticed me dropping my straw paper into my popcorn bag.
"Oh, is that yours?"
"Yeah, but it's empty."
"OK, 'cause I put something in there."
"That's all right, it's trash!"

In other news, I was thinking about this again this evening as I was putting pillowcases in the dryer: it's dang hard to make friends when you're not going to school, you're working with a lady who should be retired by now, and you're engaged. I never see (and barely talk to) anybody from high school anymore, I don't go out to bars, I don't strike up conversations with random people...

It sounds like I'm bitter about it, but I'm really not. It's just interesting. I think everybody has the same problem - I saw it happen several times with friends - they meet a guy and they withdraw from the social scene. (Or they go out into the social scene together, but that's another story.)

Maybe it's just me, though. I made friends pretty easily in school, but... well, I guess things change. Maybe now I just need to make my own friends from scratch - Cory, where are you? :P

Today seemed like a complete waste of time, energy, and emotions. I looked for jobs, found a few, responded to some, heard from none. I had conversations that seemed at one minute to be on the right track, and the next minute it fell through my fingers. (Was it something I said?) I got next to nothing done, except I sure made myself feel worse than I had felt when I woke up. I have a lunch date with George on Friday... but I don't really care. I had a pumpkin carving date once, but I'm still waiting to hear back from the other half (third?) of that prospect... I'm trying to decide whether or not to audition for the producer of two bands - I haven't had experience, and I'm not sure how good I'd feel about going into the audition with such a low opinion of my abilities - although how can I say that if I've never tried it? I guess I just don't like new things... All I want tonight is to be happy, and for everybody I've come in contact with lately to be happy. I want my head and my heart to stop battling and know their places and their importance in my life. I want to stop realizing that I'm in the middle of a game I didn't sign up to participate in.

It all boils down to this question: what did I do wrong, and how can I fix it?

I like Nutter Butters. They're so good for you.

My time here is winding down... I'm kind of sad... I don't know what's going to be happening to me next month, and it's not fun, but it's cool in a way. I just want to be settled down for awhile. I know I say that and then once I am settled I want to take it back, but still... I wish I had more time. Like that'd do me any good. Sigh...

I think I talk too much. I was OK about it until lately, and now I've been talking the ear off of whomever will listen to me. Weird.

I talked to two of my coworkers about what I should do with my life now that I'm single and stuff... They think I should stay here for a bit at least, and see if I can get into choir and theatre and dance and whatever I want, and then I'll meet people and do fun stuff and stop thinking about Mike.

I had a (tearful) conversation with Mom about the whole breaking-up thing. She thinks I need to tell him right out that I am not interested in any contact with him anymore. I think she thinks he was being the way he was on purpose, not wanting to be the "bad guy" in breaking up with me, but wililng to treat me really badly just so I'd leave him. I don't think that's it at all.

I didn't say anything about it yesterday, but the intersection right next to my apartment complex was all messed up last night. There were police everywhere. I just wanted to get to Burger King, and it took me like half an hour to go what would have taken me ten minutes, because of all the weird detours I had to take. I was really annoyed... and then today I found out that whomever was being closed in the ambulance when I drove by the first time DIED. On the scene. So I was, in effect, watching a dead person get loaded into the ambulance. How scary is that? Now I feel bad that I was so frustrated about it before.

I saw the counselor today. I cried once, when I talked
about how lonely I am here. I didn't mean to. It just kinda
came out - the crying, I mean. I don't want to pay lots of
money for this. I don't know when I'll go again, if at all.
Hmm... but she did have good things to say, I guess. I
think I just need to hear them again.

I'm using one of those weird split keyboard thingies... is ergonomic the right word? Whatever. It's kinda annoying, but I can already tell that it's nicer to my hands.

I think I might go to Oregon soon. Mike thinks he should visit my family and get to know them a little better since he's only met Mom and Dennis once for ten
minutes. I'm trying to get him to come to Christmas with me but he doesn't want to. I don't quite know why. I know that he wants to be with his parents, but it makes
me think that he isn't taking our relationship seriously enough to want to spend half our Christmases at my family's and half at his. I don't know...

On the same note: I'm glad I'm here, but it's hard. I think the biggest thing is that I'm using Mike to fall back on, and I seem to be permanently leaning back now. I
don't have any friends except for him, really, and I am not involved in anything. I just go to work and come home and hope that we get to do something together.
Meanwhile, he's busy and (I'm sure) wishing that I wasn't so lazy and good-for-nothing. It's not that I'm putting myself down, I just wish that things were a little
easier. I just have to find a place where I can meet friends. Work is out because everybody there is either in high school or lots older than me, so I can't spend much
time there... I think I'm going to start going to an Irish step dancing school, but I'm not sure if I have enough money. Then I'd get exercise AND meet people who
have the same interest as me. I'd like to get into a choir too. Now that my car's fixed (kinda... at least it's drivable), I can venture into Minneapolis a whole lot easier. (I
need a new radiator or there's going to be problems!) I just have to find something and DO IT. I still haven't changed my plates or gone to get my Minnesota license.
Of course, I've done lots of other things, which makes me feel a lot more independent and accomplished, but I still have a long way to go. I wish I hadn't looked
forward to being an adult when I was a kid. Of course, I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. (I sound like I hate my life right now... but I
don't! Don't be fooled. I like where I am, but I like where I'm going - and where I'll end up - better!)